Fantasy

The more I drank, the more I fantasized everything.
I imagined getting even for hurts and rejections. In my mind’s eye
I played and replayed scenes in which I was plucked magically from the bar
where I stood nursing a drink and was instantly exalted
to some position of power and prestige. I lived in a dream world.
AA led me gently from this fantasizing to embrace reality with open arms.
And I found it beautiful! For, at last, I was at peace with myself.
And with others. And with God.
- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 559

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My life had long since lost any glimmer of hope…

There was a fantasy alright but it was in the past…All the things I truly believed I had done…The feats I had accomplished…The women I had conquered…All a pack of lies…When I first come into AA I carried this baggage with me…I began to spin all the old tales & then one day while reading the big book & the really Big Book I came across some scripture that said 6 things does the Lord detest…Murder,covetousness…etc…but the 7th is an abomination…ALL LIARS…This hit hard…I was trying to work the steps & I realized that if I were ever to find sobriety I would have to recount & make amends for all my lies…I immediately went to the people I could remember I had told my tales to & then said it out-loud in the meetings…I found peace on that level…I didn’t get sober for about another year but I was on the trail…Till next time…

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Dear friend of Bill W.,

Through A.A., we can experience freedom from self.
After all, it was self (you, me) that stood in our own
way, that ran the show and ran ourselves into
bankruptcy, that hurt the ones we loved. All Twelve
Steps of A.A. are designed to kill the old self
(deflate the old ego) and build a new free self.

from page 459 of the Big Book, 3rd edition

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First off let me apologize for not posting for awhile…

My computer crashed & it took 9 days to get it back from the shop…That was a few days ago but I have been trying to catch up with all the info I lost on the hard drive…

When today’s reading talks about the 12 steps killing the old self…For me that is so true…But my old self really needed killing…Besides being hell bent on my destruction thru pills & booze…I really hated…loathed myself…Through the steps I have learned not only to like myself…But to love myself as well…I was really able to look inside me on the 4th step & see my character defects…Then 5, 6 & 7 helped me to put those defects in God’s hands & be set free...The rest of the steps have helped me to grow as a person & to give back to my community…Till next time

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The Treasure Of The Past

Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have– the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.

Alcoholics Anoymous,p.124
What a gift it is for me to realize that all those seemingly useless years were not wasted. The most degrading and humiliating experiences turn out to be the most powerful tools in helping others to recover. In knowing the depths of shame and despair, I can reach out with a loving and compassionate hand, and know that the grace of God is available to me.

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All the things I did in my past were the things I drank & drugged about…I had to keep them hidden from me & everyone else…But in sobriety I have learned that these very things are now my greatest assets…Each one represents personal experience that I can share with the next person…In my case there is Bi-Polar, Depression, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Criminal & a whole slew of relationship experience…These are tools that I can use to help someone…God got me thru each & everyone of them & now I know there is life after…Don’t be ashamed of where you have been…Put it to use…Till next time…

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Father Leo’s Daily Meditation

PROCRASTINATION

“You cannot build a reputationon things you are going to do.”
– Mabel Newcomber

Procrastination is the addicts’ game. I will give up alcohol tomorrow.
Soon I will take an inventory of my eating habits. Later I will talk to
him about my anger and pain. Tomorrow and tomorrow — but it
never happens!

The tragedy is that we not only bring pain and problems into our lives
but we keep them there. Recovery requires action; sobriety and the
spiritual program demand movement.

Today I will talk about my pain.

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I ask a lot of people if they know what happens to people who procrastinate…Nothing…I was & to a degree am still a horrible procrastinator…Why do today what I can put off till tomorrow…But AA & the 12 steps have really helped me deal with this problem…I found that when I started doing a consistent 10th step every night…no matter what…(I might interject here that sometimes I fall asleep while doing it & wake up in the morning with unrecognizable ink marks on the page) I discovered a discipline that has helped me in many different areas of my life…Procrastination being at the top of the list…Forcing myself to do my writing every night has been a great tool…Till next time…

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Keep It Simple

I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.—Winston Churchill
We addicts are used to learning the hard way. Many of us think we’re different and can do things our own way. But then we get in too much trouble or pain. The first AA members were just like us. They knew how it is to hate being told what to do. So they suggested we follow the Twelve Steps. They didn’t say we have to do anything. They didn’t say working  the Steps is the only way to live sober. They just said the Steps worked for them. we’re finding out that the Steps work for us too. We don’t have to work them.
We don’t have to stay sober. We just like our new sober life better than our old drinking  or drugging life.
And we learned how to live this new life by working the Steps
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me be open to your lessons. Teach me gently and help me listen.
Action for the Day: I will list five ways that I get in the way of my own learning.

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I generally don’t like learning…It usually has to do with pain…For it is seldom I learn much without pain…Until then I am unwilling to listen…I always say after a learning spree that next time I won’t wait so long but then yet again…I wait till I hurt…Theoretically I should know anytime bad times arrive that I have a learning opportunity but when I get there I do everything in my power to make it stop…I don’t generally make resolutions but my Goal for this year is to accept times of difficulty & try to learn as much as I can…Till next time…

Walk In Dry Places

Erasing Old Tapes___Living Today
The human brain works like a tape recorder. With great fidelity, this built-in recorder stores up old memories that are recalled at surprising times. There are two kinds of these “old tapes” that are dangerous to the recovering alcoholic.
One dangerous old tape is a bitter memory of an unkind word or cruel action that hurt us deeply. This kind of memory comes back to destroy our peace of mind or to intensify feelings of low self-esteem.
Equally dangerous is another old tape:  the recollections of a drinking experience that may have seem enjoyable.  When we run an old tape of this kind, we are revealing that we still wish we could drink.
Our recovery shows us how to erase these old tapes. Forgiving the people who hurt us can erase bitter memories and resentments. We can eliminate the desire to relive pleasure in drinking experiences by looking honestly at the total effect of alcohol on our lives. We cannot relive the past, but we can use the lessons of the past to make our lives what they can be today.
Today, I will not be troubled by anything from the past. I cannot change what happened five minutes ago, but I can refuse to entertain thoughts that will harm me.

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Those old tapes can definitely destroy me if let run free…I cannot risk thinking about bitter thoughts or romancing old drinking times…However that being said I understand today that I am unable to stand against these issues on my own…I have tried on my own behalf many times without success…But I have found someone who can defeat these problems for me if I will only ask…God…God is the one who fights my battles today & when I let him do so…I am victorious…I strongly suggest you give this a try…Till next time…Today we lost a valued member of AA…A dear friend of mine…Dick T…He was diagnosed with cancer in late December…Had surgery very recently & passed away around 9am…He died sober…A gift so few of us get…He will be sorely missed…

If you want peace and goodness in your life you must be kind and loving. Lord, may I avoid creating misery so that my life will reflect my love for You.

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Now that the New Year is underway…May I do everything in my power to be at peace with all men…May I have the peace & serenity that only God can give shine on me & the people I come in contact with Daily…Till next time

We must all hang together or we will hang separately.—Ben Franklin
We didn’t get ourselves sober. And we don’t keep ourselves sober. Our program does this. That is why the Twelfth Step is important. We must be willing to give service to our program whenever it’s needed. When a friend calls and say he or she feels like using, we don’t say we’re sorry. We get our friend and take him or her to a meeting. Our survival depends on this kind of action. We are to carry the message. We carry the message by deeds, not words. We are part of a fellowship based on action. A fellowship guided by love. It is not words that keep us sober–it is action.
Prayer for the Day:  Higher Power, help me be ready whenever there’s a need. Help me be ready to put my self-will aside.  Give me strength.
Action for the Day:  I will think of my group members. Who could use a supportive call or visit? I will call or visit those who need my help.

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When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous there were people there who immediately started in on my sobriety…Introduced themselves, Showed me around, Got me some coffee & told me I was the most important person in the room…Then they stuck their hand out to sponsor me & teach me how to do the 12 steps…In the lowest parts of my life since I have come into the rooms of AA they have helped me with support…Friendship…Guidance & sometimes just listened while I ranted about something in my life…Then they gave me good instructions on where to turn next…Today I do my best to carry on this tradition…I want to be the hand that is there when someone reaches out for help…& So goes the program of Alcoholics Anonymous & many other 12 step programs…They are there to help you to recover from your addictions…till next time…

For too many years I tried to be “the same” as other people; matched their styles,
repeated their words, did what they wanted, lived to please a crowd of people I did
not really know and they certainly did not know me! I said other people’s prayers,
quoted other people’s opinions and memorized the ideas of others and I felt
empty.

Today I value the lives of others but I am slowly beginning to explore my place in this
universe. Today I accept the “specialness” that is me; that uniqueness makes me
God’s miracle. Now others are listening and benefiting from my life.

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Funny thing about me is that I spent most of my life trying to be different…Long hair, tattoo’s, drugs, alcohol. crime…All the things that i was using trying to set myself apart…I no longer have to do that…I have become happy with the person I have become…The 12 steps have helped me identify who I am & I have learned to love that person…

My uncle passed away yesterday from a heart attack…He got up yesterday morning  just like he did everyday of his life but yesterday afternoon it ended…Life is not guaranteed & worrying about tomorrow is completely futile…I try to spend my life in “Today” & love the person I am…till next time…